How does it happen?

"Man Shot by Deputy Dies in Hospital" My Mother had already told me about the shooting and the death. Spartanburg is not a large town. The largest part of my family and my husband's family still live in Spartanburg. A girl who was on the cheer leading squad with me in Junior High chats with my Mother in Law in the Elementary School car pool line when she picks up my niece. Another High School class mate lives in my Mom's current neighborhood. Kids that used to eat dinner with us at my house are on the Board at my old K-12 school. After we met while I was in law school, my husband and I discovered that his old girlfriend had been one grade older than me at my school and that I dated one of his two best friends one summer in high school. You get the picture.

The man who was shot was an old boyfriend. Some one I had not seen but one time since we "broke up." I was waiting tables between college and law school and he walked into the restaurant with his family. He had already married and had a small child. He and his family looked happy and we joked and caught up for a few minutes. We dated when I was in 10th grade. I do not remember how we met, or how long we dated. In 1980, when this picture was taken, we were headed to a dance at his school. I remember his Dad was a coach at the local high school. His Mom was a decorator. His older sister was a cheerleader and student at USC and his little sister was, a sweet little sister who adored the older siblings and the attention she might get from their dates. I remember going to church outings and double dating with his older sister once. They were a nice family. From what he showed me, Steve was a nice guy. I didn't go to school with him and we didn't share any friends.

Somehow twenty nine years later, Steve ended up in trouble. Some choice he made, some turn he made, took him down this path. Already, there are stories of possible drugs or alcohol and hospitalizations. His wife left him not long ago, I am told. His friends and family were helpless to help him. Dave Matthews has a song on his latest album. "Funny the way it is, no right or wrong, Someone is going hungry, someone else is eating out.... I can't help wondering how some people make it through and some people don't. How can it happen, that the life you have becomes something that you can't control. How does a nice kid, someones little boy, someones childhood friend, someones father, end up dying in their suburban yard like this. With my Mom's lifelong friend, a woman who I have known my whole life, was trapped in her house on the same street as Steve, watching as the police tried to subdue him. Funny the way it is.

Liquid Vicodin

That is the scent I always choose at " The Bath Junkie" in Asheville, NC. For those of you who don't know, it is a place where you choose your base (lotion, bath gel, bath salts, scrubs ect) and then choose a scent and color to customize bath products. Lots of fun. Liquid Vicodin is a relaxing scent. I always say that a good warm bath is as good as any pill for anxiety. After two weeks out of the office (although not totally out of touch with the office and clients), I was thinking about all of the things we can do to relax, unwind, and connect with peace without chemicals. And for purposes of this exercise I am going to count a good wine out too. Following is my list. I invite you to try it and share your best ideas for moments of relaxation and joy.

Warm bath with great scented salts. I love Ginger Bath Creme from Origins too.
Candles...scented of course
Moonlight
My favorite music played very loudly
Clay's smile and hug
Love
Fireworks
Ocean waves and the beach during a rain.
Fresh cut flowers
Russell Stover Jelly Beans
Todd's touch
Mountain streams
Time with great friends
Coffee with the morning paper
CBS on Sunday Morning
Stephanie laughing with her friends
A good pedicure

Do something each day, friends. Even during the hardest days.

(As a disclaimer, I am not taking a position on medically necessary treatment that involves prescriptions.)

A hunger for freedom

I have watched the coverage of the elections in Iran with such hope. The silent protest was so powerful. I have always felt that freedom is achieved best by those who refuse to accept anything less. Every culture is distinctive. Most countries are marked with ideology ingrained over 1000's of years which can be studied and appreciated but never fully understood by outsiders. I personally have questioned how you can design or impose freedoms on the people of other countries as a policy. Most attempts have failed as thoroughly over time as attempts to colonize or assimilate other countries during conquests. While the world's great democracies can encourage and support the growth of freedom, it cannot be transplanted. But when people have a true hunger for freedom, it cannot be stopped. It may take time, but it will happen as the majority choose to accept nothing less regardless of the consequences. The Berlin Wall fell, the Soviet Union crumbled, and dictators all over the world live in fear of revolt. I love living in a country where our government is held accountable to the people. I cannot imagine the life of an Iranian. But I hope that the people are able to create their own government of the people, by the people and for the people, whatever it might be.

"UP" with the movies.

I love to go watch movies. I love to go see movies in the theater. While I am happy to have the opportunity to watch a movie on demand or DVD in my husband's wonderful home theater room with surround sound, nothing compares to the experience in the theater. While it is nice to pause and go to the bathroom or to get a snack, the movie theater is where movies were born and where they belong. The popcorn smells better than microwaved corn, the candy shaking in the boxes is distinctive. My children always pick up their snack trash without a reminder. The big screen does make a difference even for the story/plot driven movies with no special effects. Plus, you share collective laughs, gasps, and groans with total strangers while you watch. You listen to the reviews start as soon as the credits roll as everyone weights in on whether the it was worth the price of the ticket. So we paid almost $49 dollars for four tickets to see "UP" in 3D today, plus about $20 for one bag of popcorn, two water bottles and one box of Reece's Pieces. And along with the family experience, we enjoyed the commentary of the three year old to my right as he became lost in the picture. We quietly laughed as he confided that the dogs were scary, when he announced "I only have one piece of licorice left!" and finally as he began to cry when he thought the house was lost forever, because the "The house isn't supposed to go away!" So when we left and talked about our respective favorite parts, we also laughed at the funny little boy on our row who took the entire experience to heart. He told his Dad that he wanted to stay until "all the words were gone". And we hope he gets more licorice.

Family Time

We all came to participate in Clay's Soccer Tournament this weekend. Since I love Charleston, I wanted to come early enough to share the city with the children. My favorite part is the hotel. Nothing brings a family together like trips in one hotel room. When everyone has their own room, it provides them space but distance too. In one room, we have to watch the same show, listen to the same music, and get ready together. We have laughed together, shopped together and even listened to the kids' i pods. Some of my most vivid memories are of family trips when I was young. I hope our children will feel the same way when they get older. Harbor Rides, tours of the historic city, fun meals, or the mule farting on Dad at the front of the carriage. We take our memories as they come. And by the time we get out of the car at the end of the trip, we will all be crazy. But someday, we will remember.

Solitude

Sometimes I wonder if it is age or life in general. I find that I crave time alone with no list of chores, no schedule, and no agenda. I try to manufacture this time and simply cannot do it. With my work schedule, my children's' school schedule, my husband's work and travel schedule, after school activities, husband and kid's hobbies, family events and trips as well as volunteer and church commitments, I have lost the ability to simply exist. My life is without question, fabulous, and there is not one thing or person that I would walk away from.

Women's magazines (when I read them) often talk about saying "No" and creating "Me" time. But carving out moments is not truly the problem. My children are quite self sufficient. Stephanie even does her own laundry. I work in a supportive environment. My husband will grant me any wish within his power. Every committee member I work with is committed and involved equally in the work we do. I am headed to the beach for the weekend, and I am going to San Francisco on a business trip with Todd soon. Yet, I cannot just rest and be silent.

Today, I took a day to try and be alone. With kids in school, and my husband scheduled to be at work conference, I reviewed my work situation and decided that now would be an appropriate time to take off. I didn't tell anyone about it so I could sneak the time without any requests or expectations. But I sit here struggling. I took Stephanie to an extra piano practice before school, bought Clay breakfast at Chick fil a since he asked so nicely (for a week). But guilt ridden, I sit and make appointments for the mammogram that I skipped in 2008 as well as the GYN appointment I missed. I have reminded my husband about the plumber. I forgot to note my hair appointment, so I have to call Preston. My nails would look better if I had them done. I am even trying to squeeze in a 30 minute complimentary facial that my mother has begged me to do at Clarins. I emptied the dish washer, set the crock pot for dinner and checked my work e-mail. The kids will be home in a few hours and have a plan to take Clay to Guitar lessons and shop at Costco while he strums. So I know that I will go to work tomorrow craving the stillness that I could not create for myself today. I should not need to pay for a spa or retreat to create this space. I need to be able to create it in myself and for myself. What in the world is wrong with me?

I know I am constantly plugged in. I have a smart phone, a laptop and I even bought a device to allow me to use my computer via the phone line when I cannot find WiFi. I armed my children with cell phones so that I can reach them and they can reach me. (yeah, they use it for that purpose constantly). I love news and listen to NPR as well as watch 24 hour cable news shows. I take the newspaper and magazines. I have the radio, Ipod, tv or computer on constantly. Perhaps I have created such a buzz in my life, my body must think there is something wrong when I am still and in silence. Perhaps it instinctively jump starts me for fear I am dying if I am still or quiet. I recall the marvel of midnight feedings and absolute joy I felt as I held that sleeping baby close to me in the still home.

At church, the minister prays just prior to the sermon for God to quiet every voice in our head except his (God's voice, not Dr. Kort's voice). I am sad to say it does not always work on me. But while at the beach this weekend, I am going to try to sit on the beach by myself, stare at the ocean and try to loose myself a little. Some of my favorite moments of peace are walks in early morning snow fall before the neighbors stir and sitting alone on a rain driven pile of sand at the beach wrapped in my towel after everyone has fled from the storm. God has created wilderness and vast space for a reason I think. Because there is nothing wrong with some degree of "absence" or "emptiness". It allows him room. It is why our souls and our hearts are ever expanding...God's design to ensure we have a vacancy for him at all times. Hopefully, I can make space for me and not my lists.

Today, I will head out for the nail place before the bus comes to salvage some amount of frivolity on a day out of the office. It may not be a wilderness, but the lack of English does create that noise machine effect which can prove to be calming.

Love you.

Consequences

I have been watching coverage of Phelps with mixed feelings. Marijuana is illegal in most states to possess, buy or sell. Thus smoking marijuana was illegal, not to mention ill advised on many levels. So I think most of us see his actions as wrong. A mistake. He has apologized. He has admitted it was wrong. There are consequences. In fact, pretty big consequences. He could be charged and have a criminal record. he lost financial endorsements, he lost competition time and he was removed from the pedestal that the world placed him on, if he ever cared about that. I trust he swam for the love of the sport. I trust he set a goal for the medals to prove he could do it. Money may have entered his mind too. However, his mistake does not make him less of an athlete or less of a human being. Arguably, all the wonderful things people said of him are still true. He is human and he made a mistake.

Maybe he has always smoked and is a frequent user. Maybe he got together with young people his own age and after drinking some beer didn't think much about trying some pot. Who knows. But there were witnesses. The person who took the picture and sold it to a British tabloid made money, but he wasn't alone and any person there could have reported what they saw. So once again we see that nothing is private unless you are alone. There are always witnesses with photo backup. This situation makes for a good reminder that we should simply do the right thing because we never know who is watching or recording. Certainly a point I have made to my children with the Miley Cyrus, HSM sweetheart and now Phelps. But it is sad that you can't trust anyone around you not to make a choice to hurt you.

Of course as badly as I feel that a young person with promise must pay so publicly for a lapse in judgment. But ultimately, it only takes one mistake to change your life and the lives of others if it is big enough. A wonderful person can take the wheel after too much to drink and ruin his life and the lives of many. We all know of examples. So why I hate that he is having to learn this lesson this way, it is good that he is being forced to suffer the consequences as publicly as he earned the accolades. It is a good life lesson to him and to those who watch him. Sometimes we don't get the luxury to learn from our mistakes. He has and maybe others as well.