Solitude

Sometimes I wonder if it is age or life in general. I find that I crave time alone with no list of chores, no schedule, and no agenda. I try to manufacture this time and simply cannot do it. With my work schedule, my children's' school schedule, my husband's work and travel schedule, after school activities, husband and kid's hobbies, family events and trips as well as volunteer and church commitments, I have lost the ability to simply exist. My life is without question, fabulous, and there is not one thing or person that I would walk away from.

Women's magazines (when I read them) often talk about saying "No" and creating "Me" time. But carving out moments is not truly the problem. My children are quite self sufficient. Stephanie even does her own laundry. I work in a supportive environment. My husband will grant me any wish within his power. Every committee member I work with is committed and involved equally in the work we do. I am headed to the beach for the weekend, and I am going to San Francisco on a business trip with Todd soon. Yet, I cannot just rest and be silent.

Today, I took a day to try and be alone. With kids in school, and my husband scheduled to be at work conference, I reviewed my work situation and decided that now would be an appropriate time to take off. I didn't tell anyone about it so I could sneak the time without any requests or expectations. But I sit here struggling. I took Stephanie to an extra piano practice before school, bought Clay breakfast at Chick fil a since he asked so nicely (for a week). But guilt ridden, I sit and make appointments for the mammogram that I skipped in 2008 as well as the GYN appointment I missed. I have reminded my husband about the plumber. I forgot to note my hair appointment, so I have to call Preston. My nails would look better if I had them done. I am even trying to squeeze in a 30 minute complimentary facial that my mother has begged me to do at Clarins. I emptied the dish washer, set the crock pot for dinner and checked my work e-mail. The kids will be home in a few hours and have a plan to take Clay to Guitar lessons and shop at Costco while he strums. So I know that I will go to work tomorrow craving the stillness that I could not create for myself today. I should not need to pay for a spa or retreat to create this space. I need to be able to create it in myself and for myself. What in the world is wrong with me?

I know I am constantly plugged in. I have a smart phone, a laptop and I even bought a device to allow me to use my computer via the phone line when I cannot find WiFi. I armed my children with cell phones so that I can reach them and they can reach me. (yeah, they use it for that purpose constantly). I love news and listen to NPR as well as watch 24 hour cable news shows. I take the newspaper and magazines. I have the radio, Ipod, tv or computer on constantly. Perhaps I have created such a buzz in my life, my body must think there is something wrong when I am still and in silence. Perhaps it instinctively jump starts me for fear I am dying if I am still or quiet. I recall the marvel of midnight feedings and absolute joy I felt as I held that sleeping baby close to me in the still home.

At church, the minister prays just prior to the sermon for God to quiet every voice in our head except his (God's voice, not Dr. Kort's voice). I am sad to say it does not always work on me. But while at the beach this weekend, I am going to try to sit on the beach by myself, stare at the ocean and try to loose myself a little. Some of my favorite moments of peace are walks in early morning snow fall before the neighbors stir and sitting alone on a rain driven pile of sand at the beach wrapped in my towel after everyone has fled from the storm. God has created wilderness and vast space for a reason I think. Because there is nothing wrong with some degree of "absence" or "emptiness". It allows him room. It is why our souls and our hearts are ever expanding...God's design to ensure we have a vacancy for him at all times. Hopefully, I can make space for me and not my lists.

Today, I will head out for the nail place before the bus comes to salvage some amount of frivolity on a day out of the office. It may not be a wilderness, but the lack of English does create that noise machine effect which can prove to be calming.

Love you.